ARE YOU UPSET THAT YOU CAN’T BRING MONEY INTO THE AFTERLIFE?
Indeed, that’s why I’m trying to spend it all before I die! What I don’t spend, I’ve ordered to be burned in front of the poor... at a distance, of course, so they can’t warm themselves.
WHAT’S THE WORST THING ABOUT BEING RICH?
Rolling in piles of cash and yelling "I'm rich! I'm rich!" can lead to nasty paper cuts.
DO YOU CARE YOU NEVER HAD ANY REAL FRIENDS?
Oh, but I did have a friend! A very dear friend whose passing I mourn to this day. I refer, of course, to the 1972 demise of the Gold Standard.
WHAT WAS YOUR GREATEST DISAPPOINTMENT?
The future. As a child I had dreamed that by now we humans would have shed our physical form and become beings of pure energy, searching the universe for interstellar money!
WHAT ARE YOU MOST PROUD OF?
My bank account. Eighty years ago, I started with only 20 million and now I have 25 million. Only in America!
DID EXPOSURE TO NUCLEAR RADIATION CONTRIBUTE TO YOUR DEMISE?
On the contrary! Repeated exposure to high-dosage radiation has done wonders for my health.
Just ask the mutant second head on my back. Second Head: I disagree. Mr. Burns: Shut up!
WHAT WILL BECOME OF SMITHERS?
My dream is that he will be buried beside me, even if he’s not dead yet.
WHAT’S THE WILDEST THING YOU EVER DID ON EARTH?
Watched an air show in which a biplane performed “loop-the-loops” and tricks of all sorts. Afterward I discovered that the aviator was, of all things, a woman!
WHAT WOMAN DID YOU ALWAYS WANT TO SLEEP WITH?
Treasurer of the United States Anna Escobedo Cabral. Have you seen her signature on the dollar bill? Sexy!
WHAT SHOULD YOU HAVE LEARNED SOONER?
The phrase “Release the hounds!” For a long time I was saying “Lift up the dog gate!” and that’s just much less dramatic.
