YOU’RE THE SAFETY MANAGER AT SPRINGFIELD’S NUCLEAR POWER PLANT. IN AN EMERGENCY, HOW DO YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHICH BUTTON TO PUSH?
It’s usually the one next to the one I pushed that started the emergency.
YOU’VE BEEN A FILM CRITIC. WHAT’S YOUR TAKE ON MOVIES TODAY?
They’re too short. I eat through five bags of popcorn before they’re half over. They should make them longer. No, wait! They should just make the popcorn bags bigger.
WHO ARE SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE ACTION HEROES?
I like the Thing. We have a lot in common. We’re both bald, we’re both angry, and we both have movies coming out this summer.
YOU’VE MET SO MANY ROCK STARS IN YOUR LIFE - MICK JAGGER, THE WHO, THE RED HOT CHILLI PEPPERS AND COUNTLESS OTHERS. IF YOU HAD THE CHANCE, WOULD YOU WANT TO LIVE THE ROCK AND ROLL LIFESTYLE?
The rock-and-roll lifestyle is not for me. Who needs groupies when you have Marge? And who needs hotel rooms to trash when you have Flanders' house?
YOU’RE ONE OF THE MOST RENOWNED FATHERS IN SPRINGFIELD.
WHAT ADVICE CAN YOU PASS ON TO OTHER PARENTS?
Don't believe what they say, you can strangle a boy too much. Hello carpal tunnel syndrome.
WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR PROUDEST MOMENTS WITH BART? WHAT MAKES YOU SUCH A GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR THE BOY?
I helped Bart in school one time by letting him turn in a report that I wrote when I was a kid. He got a “D” but I taught him an important lesson: never cheat off someone dumber than you.
WHAT ARE SOME OF THE CHALLENGES OF HAVING A VEGETARIAN IN THE HOUSE (YOUR DAUGHTER LISA)? WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER BECOMING A VEGETARIAN YOURSELF?
I think of myself as a “second-hand vegetarian”: cows eat grass, I eat cows.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT MOE’S TAVERN THAT OFFERS A MAN A TRUE REFUGE FROM HIS LIFE?
The great thing about Moe’s is that no matter where you pass out, you’ll always land in a puddle of something which will revive you.
MOE HAS ALWAYS HAD THE HOTS FOR YOUR WIFE, MARGE. DOES THIS BOTHER YOU?
Oh yeah, like I should be scared about Marge falling for an homely loser like Moe when she’s already married to an fat, homely loser like me... uh oh.
SO MANY THINGS YOU HAVE DONE HAVE HELPED PUT SPRINGFIELD ON THE MAP. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE THE TOWN PAY TRIBUTE TO YOU SOME DAY?
All I ask for is to be carved into a mountain so huge that Mount Rushmore would fit in my nostril.
YOU AND MARGE HAVE ONE OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES IN SPRINGFIELD. SHARE WITH US SOME OF YOUR SECRETS TO ROMANCE.
You have to surprise her so things don’t get boring. Like on Valentine’s Day she probably expects flowers. But you know what she doesn’t expect? You to jump out of the closet at 8 AM wearing a monster mask!
HOMER, NOTHING EVER SEEMS TO FAZE YOU. HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO HAVE SUCH A GOOD ATTITUDE WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN?
I’ve always found that drinking helps calm my nerves. But I realize that some people shouldn’t drink. Those people should give their drinks to me.
